Guess Who just got Creamed

EYY GUESS WHO'S FINALLY FINISHED WITH ALL OF HIS U OF I FINALS WOO HOOOO (oh did i mention also dont take gen chem II second semester senior year -- Nerst will f**k you over)

Well anyways its nice to be done. After just having senior night for tennis and the school assembly, it really feels like my time at uni is coming to a close. Hell, graduation is this week! I'm kinda getting the chill sag harbor kind of feel (like the place that is -- in the story a shit ton of stuff goes down) now, and am ready to party during the summer (well after I sleep for two weeks straight).

After finishing Sag Harbor, I have a couple of thoughts. The most prominent one for me -- and I am sure others feel the same to some extent -- is its proper placement in our reading schedule. That is, we read it last, when we're on the verge of summer. It serves as a nice teaser (though I don't think it'd work quite well if this was taught first semester, being that it would be in the middle of winter and all. Then again, our winters aren't that cold anymore, but that's a story for another time. But seriously oh man we have so many problems like if you're interested in an immigration policy that screwed part of my family over plz contact me because I really don't want to rage in my last blog post).

Oh did I mention this will (probably) be my last blog post for this class? Yea, things are really starting to wrap up...

But back to the main point of this post, I wanted to comment on how not only is the setting of Sag Harbor giving off that summer vibe, it is also the general tone of the book. Specifically, Benji's tone (or rather, I should say Ben). Now this may sound kind of dumb at first, but bear with me -- his narration has a kind of "HA GOTCHA BI**H" feel.

A couple of points to back up this claim:

When NP's mother found out on her own why her son was called NP, the realization was of a "omg I contributed to this didn't I". That is kind of a "ooo damn shit you done messed up" feel. It must be so awkward... and there's gotta be some guilt to that too...

But not everything is all that... serious I suppose. A lot of it is just fun and games (and well revenge lol). Take the car ride to the beach with Benji and co, you know the one relatively early in the story when Marcus got left behind? I mean yea you can see it kind of like a social structure thing (sort of like in Black Swan Green), but you can also see it as kind of like you know just a prank when there aren't enough seats and its like HA GOTCHA U GOTTA RIDE THE BIKE SUCKS MATE. Idk maybe because the setting is during the summer that I'm getting this feel... (why am I doubting my argument...)

Here's a more serious example. This is the one example that I'm using that budded from revenge -- the clown fiesta surrounding the open fridge. That has got to be one of the largest HA GOTCHA moments in the book (besides a personal one that I will talk about in a short while). Not only because the destruction of the ice cream was on such a large scale (presumably), but Benji walks away imagining the carnage of what he has done. Best prank ever (lol sucks for Jonni Waffle I mean like dayum).

Now this is on a personal scale. Benji called me out. THIS BOY CALLED ME OUT SOOOOOOO HARD. If y'all remember my comment about the patting on the head? And how it was demeaning because I said "he's just making fu*king waffles I mean common"? Well that night when I did the reading, Benji straight up was just like "oh you think that shit is easy? GO FUCK YOURSELF" and I just sat there dazed like shit you read me like an open book (ha but I'm the one reading you lol ok yea stupid joke moving on). I actually really enjoyed being called out though -- it made everything more familiar, and like to be honest most people (at Uni at least) only feel comfortable using profanities around people they're comfortable with. Hence, when Benji called me out, it made me really feel like I was with him, that I was his buddy. Pretty cool, ey?

Well anyways this will (again probably) be my last blog post of my Uni High career. It has been a really great time with y'all -- I learned a lot. Special shout out to Mr. Mitchell for putting up with all of my shit these past two years and for being such a thoughtful, understanding, kind, responsible, and just overall great teacher. With all that I have learned, I have truly come of age. Kind of. Lol idk I try. Well anyways,

Wu's out.






P.S. blog posts are hype we should do more of these vs. actual essays

Phony

Alright so I purposefully waited to write my post AFTER the 5k run... I was running the risk of not getting my post in on time though if I accidentally tripped and fell and broke my skull open or something (knowing how clumsy I am I wouldn't be surprised), but I guess it was worth it.

The reason I waited until now was because it was the last 5k I'd be running for a grade (I think I passed?) -- I thought it would align well with Taylor wrapping up his era in Black Swan Green. Difference is, Taylor's crying while his sister comforts him and talks about a bright future, while my legs are just like "thank god this is over". Ah who am I kidding I'm gonna end up training for a Spartan race because I'm a boosted bonobo --

Well anyways the main point I want to draw out of this post kinda came to me in class while I was listening to our conversation yesterday. As I sat there listening (yea in class I kind of noticed that I just don't talk so much anymore... not so sure why but for those who like to hear my voice sorry about that and for those who find my voice annoying then lol your welcome?), I noticed how everyone related with Taylor doing one thing and thinking another. Don't get me wrong I totally relate too, but something in the back of my head was bugging me -- I knew someone, SOMEONE wouldn't approve of how Taylor acts and how we relate to him. Someone that as a class, we all agreed that we also relate to. Ah that's right -- Holden'll totally call us phony f**ks by now (lol we can kiss "being his buddy" in Catcher goodbye).

I find it fascinating how everyone in our class totally relates to both Holden and Taylor, though they think and act in totally different ways. That isn't to say that Taylor is a complete poser and Holden is the male version of Veritas, but I think we can all agree that they act quite differently (again, Taylor becomes more and more transparent as he reaches the age of 14, but you get the point).

I guess the main question now is: who do we align with more? Taylor or Holden? Personally, I always thought that Holden was my go-to man to rant because we think the same way, but now I think Taylor would be a better listener. Yes this has to do with Holden judging almost everyone he sees by instinct, but Taylor is also just... more relatable. I mean yea he acts/pretends sometimes but he fills us in and to be honest we have all been phony at some point in time to avoid conflicts. Jason's flaws are also more relatable, vs. Holden who just kind of hates the world (and while some of us would say that we hate the world, I seriously doubt that any of us ACTUALLY does so throughly (and ok yes Holden also doesn't hate the world completely but he certainly does hate most of it)).

Also I feel like... Taylor is easier to talk to. Again, you don't have to be worried about being judged, and as we learn from his conversations with Moran, he can be quite the good listener. Well anyways that's my little blurb. Tell me who you align with more!

Split Peas

As we finish Houskeeping, we see the final moments of the main conflict throughout the novel -- the split between Lucille and Ruth. I'd say most of us wouldn't be too surprised with how things ended; after all, Lucille goes out of her way to remove herself from the rest of the family, going so far to move out of the house and live with Ms. Royce, the home economics teacher at their school. I digress -- I don't agree with all of the actions that Lucille took to have a more mainstream life, but I do get where she's coming from. Moving out to live with Ms. Royce was a good call -- I can't imagine living in such a rat/cricket (cockroach too probably?) infested area. Wait I meant a rat/cricket carcass infested area, with birds flying around a sea of cans and newspapers. There's also a huge litter of kittens that basically came out of nowhere. By moving out of the house not only does she avoid all of these... environmental hazards, but she would also start attending school regularly (I'm sure Ms. Royce would make sure of that).

It is evident that Lucille still loves her sister, as we see her anger when Ruth and Sylvie came home late,

"'I wish you'd take off that coat.' 'My clothes are wet.' 'You should change your clothes. . . It doesn't matter, . . . where have you been?' . . . It seemed Lucille was talking to me. I think she said that I need not stay with Sylvie. I believe she mentioned my comfort. She was pinching a crease into the loose denim at the knee of her jeans, and her brow was contracted and her eyes were calm, and I am sure that she spoke to me in all sober kindness, but I could not hear a word she said" (Robinson 174, 175).

So I can't wrap around as to why Lucille ignored Ruth at school. I mean, the supposed reason is for her to make friends for herself, as she mentions to Ruth that they both need to be more social, but that doesn't mean you should just straight up ignore your sister. By doing so, you're acting cold, which isn't exactly the most attractive attribute if you're trying to get more people to be around you.

Forgive me for jumping around here, but why did Lucille burn up the dress that she was making? I mean sure Ruth gets distracted a lot, but like burning the whole thing is kinda... I don't know it just makes me sad you know? She already put a lot of effort into it... I know that I wouldn't be able to abandon a project that I had already put so much effort into (which actually can be a problem but that's a discussion for another time).

As you can probably tell, I can complain about Lucille quite easily, but for Ruth... I can't really think of anything to complain about. Yes she's aimlessly wandering about and ends up helping Sylvie burn their own house down, but I can't help but feel that... she's happy with what she has. Maybe she's just so distant to us that she doesn't really complain, but there are just so many cute little moments that Ruth and Sylvie have on their own. Take their trip across the lake as an example,

"I said, 'I wish I had a hamburger.'
'I wish I had some beef stew.'
'I wish I had a piece of pie.'
'I wish I had a mink coat.'
'I wish I had an electric blanket.'
'Don't sleep, Ruthie. I don't want to sleep.'
'Neither do I'" (Robinson 170).

If you take things out of context, it just sounds like two best friends doing naught but watching clouds run along in the sky at their own steady pace. It's quite the peaceful scene! Of course if you add on the fact that not long after they're going to hop on a freight train it sounds really sketchy, but if you just take this small instance of time out by itself, it's really... calming for the soul. It's as if one has accepted for how things are, and decided to go with the flow rather than against it. It's basically the opposite of how I feel now -- I want to go with the flow, but I kinda have to go against it (this probably sounds ambiguous, but I'm sure some seniors could relate). I remember after reading this part I wanted to go outside, but it was rainy and depressing so that didn't quite work out...

The Lighter Parts plus a Rant (or really an extremely long rant plus a little light)

It goes without saying that The Bell Jar is a very impactful and depressing book. I remember on my trip to New Orleans when Ms. Denos saw me start reading it she was like "oh no you're reading The Bell Jar... it's a really disturbing book just letting you know. All of Sylvia Plath's works are so depressing". With less than 50 days left of my Uni career, I have plenty of things to be depressed about that are inevitable -- blog posts are one of the few things that I have complete control over. Hence, I want to focus on the one part of the book that made me happy for longer than 5 minutes, and that is Esther's relationship with Dr. Nolan (there are actually a couple parts that made me smile, but most of those periods of happiness are quickly interrupted by themes of self-destruction, mental unsteadiness, and just general brutality).

Before we talk about Dr. Nolan though, we have to talk about Esther's previous physician -- Dr. Gordon. To Esther, he can be seen as Buddy in the future -- a rich, handsome doctor with a complete and happy family and everything is just perfect with butterflies flapping around and fireflies shimmering in the background (ok the last part is a little exaggerated but you get the point). As soon as Esther sees all of this, she instantly knew that Dr. Gordon was gonna do smack to her depression,

"But Doctor Gordon wasn't like that at all. He was young and good-looking, and I could see right away he was conceited.
Doctor Gordon had a photograph on his desk. . . It was a family photograph, and it showed a beautiful dark-haired women. . . smiling out over the heads of two blond children. . . Doctor Gordon was trying to show me right away that he was married to some glamorous woman and I'd better not get any funny ideas.
Then I thought, how could this Doctor Gordon help me anyway, with a beautiful wife and beautiful children and a beautiful dog haloing him like the angels on a Christmas card?" (Plath 129)

So maybe butterflies and fireflies aren't that big of a stretch.

To be honest, initially I thought that Esther was over-reacting. Like common, it's just a picture -- you even admitted that you weren't completely sure why the photo made you furious. Two lines later though, I was totally on your side when he said,

"Suppose you try and tell me what you think is wrong" (Plath 129).

Like BITCH PLEASE we call you "doctor" for a fucking reason if the patient knew what the hell was wrong you wouldn't have a job you --

and right then a line that previously didn't trigger me before,

"Your mother tells me you are upset" (Plath 128).

made me even more ferocious. What sounded like "hmm I want to help you. What's up?" turned into "her der der (<-- those are douchy people sounds) aww did something happen to you poor girl" that I responded with "yea no shit something happened she came to you for a fucking reason what you think that she just wants to have her mother pay 25 bucks and your so she can feel miserable in your office?" She hasn't slept for a week or showered for three like um hello what's up with you and you're empty words like I know you don't actually care for her but common you're getting paid here at least try to pretend to be listening (and not ask basic introductory questions over and over again? I mean at least write some stuff down). "her der der" ELECTROSHOCK MY A** at least do it properly dipshit.

She walks out of your office and reads a flyer about attempted suicides. Good going you --

I mean damn I want to become a doctor but if I'm gonna be anything like you imma transfer over to the cs department like screw this shit, but thankfully Dr. Nolan comes and saves the respect I hold for physicians.

Ah right Dr. Nolan. This post was supposed to stay positive. My bad.

Well first off, Dr. Nolan actually pays attention. She learns about Esther's experiences, deduces that her depression stems from sexist propaganda (as discussed in class), which she assures her is bullshit by connecting her own life to her (about how women don't need to be under men, like how she is a doctor and not a housewife or whatever the notion of what women should do at that time is). See that's what psychiatrists are supposed to do. Oh also she actually performs electroshock properly and makes Esther feel better.

I guess what essentially made me happy was that Dr. Nolan was a proper caring doctor, and made up for Gordon (who was more of an insult to me as an aspiring physician than a doctor) being a shitlord. All the complaints I had earlier about Gordon... well I don't have those complaints for Dr. Nolan. And yes I'm dropping the "Dr." for Gordon on purpose. Who gives a damn if you have an M.D. -- if you're a dickhead who doesn't care about people you're a dickhead who doesn't care about people and that's all there is to it.

The Sad Life

Maybe it's just me, but all of the books we've read so far have made me... rather depressed. Stephen... can't decide what to do with his life, Holden's also jumping around but also has no real friends, and Esther just straight up makes me question the point of life. That isn't to say I have any suicidal tendencies and whatnot, but it does make my future a bit fuzzy... like I know what I want to do, but I don't see the point in it now? Maybe this kind of dark nature is something everyone goes through at some point in their adolescence -- I mean the books mentioned above are all coming-of-age novels. The point of this post isn't to rant about my feeling of helplessness -- I'm sure any senior dumb enough to load themselves with U of I courses during their second semester will understand where I'm coming from to some extent. Rather, I'd like to focus on the specific books themselves, and how they give off a depressing vibe.

First up is A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. I'm sure we can all agree that Stephen had his fair share of drastic twists and turns up until now. I really don't see much of a path of him becoming an artist in the future, considering that he's trying to escape from worldly influences (and leaves Ireland because of it...? Like the rest of the world won't have any opinions? He also left his friends and Cranly was like dude you're gonna be lonely and he says "I will take that risk" (Joyce 269) like seriously you sound like some spoiled brat trying to sound cool and manly like "look at me I'm so mysterious and independent and powerful" like boy you'd still be hiding under your bed if it wasn't for the priest -- why didn't you risk getting smitten hmm? You and your pseudo-matcho attitude... ah I'm ranting my apologies; anyways) and that he's actually hoping to fly away from his problems and he'll... just avoid them and become an artist? At least that's what the last line of the book implies to me. I don't think that's how it works though... running away from your problems that is. In essence, I don't really see much of a path to his life. Then again, we could view it as being quite adventurous right? Yea no who am I kidding I totally think he's gonna screw himself over -- but that's just me I may be just a cynical man like Holden.

Speaking of the devil, he's next. I guess I can't really complain all that much about him -- I mean he's failing school and all that and I don't see much hope in him attending a different one after he got kicked out of Pency. That's not what makes his story depressing though; it's not his cynical view of most people nor is it his unrelenting nature to uphold his own justice. In fact, I kind of relate to his own personal sense of justice... so really I like him a lot. Maybe it's because of his way with words but I really feel that I can relate to him (and I think most of our class can agree with me on that point). What was depressing was his interaction with Phoebe near the end of the book. I don't know... after his talk with Mr. Antolini and he finds out that he can't really relate to anyone, he just seemed like he was ready to do things on his own, but then Phoebe like tugs at him and is like "don't leave" or "bring me with you". Then he starts to realize (well he starts to show) how he can actually deeply connect with people with certain people, and how bad it can be to just leave them. The scene where Phoebe is innocently riding on the carousel while Holden watches her... that really hit me. Well, I'm not surprised since it brings up memories of my past... ah..

Last but (definitely) not least we have Esther. I don't have specific examples like the other two books that we've read so far, but I can tell you this: she's depressed, and she makes the reader depressed, and she just gives off a depressing aura. I mean seriously looking at the cover of the book makes me feel depressed. The only thing not depressing about my copy of the book is that it's new and has very few scars on it. How much do you want to bet that someone's gonna try to commit suicide in the near future (and guess who it's gonna be)? Esther feels so cold and distant, even though the language she uses isn't actually that alienating, besides her peculiar way of describing her friends and people in general (which is actually one of the few things so far that gives her some kind of life, or presence I guess? She mostly feels empty to me which actually bothers me more than if I feel like she absolutely despises me). I mean to be fair I kinda did sign up for this when I picked up a book by Sylvia Plath, but you know. Half of me hopes that this book won't make me too depressed, but the other half of me knows it will and is actually kind of anticipating how she will make me feel depressed. I've never actually read a book by Sylvia Plath until I picked up this one, so we'll just have to see what happens...

Sweet relief... kinda?

Ah yes -- Salinger. The Catcher in the Rye, the book that's supposed to change my life. Mr. Mitchell told me to put down that hype though, and I'm kinda glad he did. I'm sure I enjoyed (well am enjoying) the book much better than if I continued to have those high expectations for it.

By all means, I enjoy this book far more than The Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. I'm not saying I didn't like the "founding father" of coming of age novels (well I guess I kinda am) -- the style just isn't my thing. Salinger's -- or I guess Holden's -- voice as a narrator is much much more colloquial than Stephens, making it a lot easier to read. He's the type of narrator who'd appreciate a "suh dude" greeting.

He's quirky though -- like if I read it "out loud" in my head it makes sense, but if I read it while looking at the text as a whole it seems... weird. It's hard to explain, so I'll use an example. Remember in the beginning of the first chapter he talks about his brother, and how he wrote a short story called "The Secret Goldfish"? I'll reproduce it below to remind us all about the voice:

"He wrote this terrific book of short stories, The Secret Goldfish, in case you never heard of him. The best one in it was 'The Secret Goldfish.'" (3-4)

Reading this out loud, it's like "uhuh tell me more" or like "mhm keep it going", but like seeing it on paper its like "yea no sh*t the collection of stories is named after that what did you expect". Or like here's another example on the very next page:

"The reason I was standing way up on Thomsen Hill, instead of down at the game, was because I'd just got back from New York with the fencing team. I was the goddam manager of the fencing team. Very big deal. We'd going in New York that morning for this fencing meeting with McBurney School. Only, we didn't have the meet. I left all the foils and equipment and stuff on the goddam subway." (5)

Again, these few lines are very wordy. You "just got back from New York with the fencing team" so no sh*t you were "going in New York that morning for this fencing meeting". These lines could easily be shortened down to something like:

"I was on Thomsen Hill because I was away in New York for our fencing team's meet with McBurney, but I forgot the equipment on the subway so we didn't."

Or something like that. Yet Salinger purposefully makes him repeat himself, and in a way his mistakes puts us readers at ease, not to mention how he lets us in on his "gossip". Being let into his group feels like a privilege since he criticizes literally everyone else in the novel (including himself), but since he talks to us in such a "buddy buddy" tone it feels... warm.

Huh? Oh yea I totally wandered here by accident... AGAIN

Stephen and I... our upbringing is completely different -- his life is completely surrounded (and controlled by, in a sense) religion, while I'm over here praying to Buddha a couple days before college results come out (no idea why I do that since I'm Atheist, but yea). Yet, I find how he would routinely come by whore street to smell "their soft perfumed flesh" and bang on accident to be cute, and even relatable. Don't get me wrong -- there isn't a "whore street" in Champaign county anyways -- I don't find prostitution by any means cute, but how he would try to convince himself that he's doing that by accident. He literally goes out of his way to make it look like he's just wandering, running around in circles, when there's a clear destination in mind. I mean his heart is even pumping as he's "wandering".

I say this is relatable because it reminds me of my childhood prominently in two ways. I remember how my brother and I would walk around the kitchen and wait for our parents to watch TV, and then sneak into the cabinets to begin our assault on whatever dried goods we have. I mean, I still do that now -- after we moved, we ended up getting a pantry. You'd think this'll make it any easier... how all the food is in one place... but thing is, it's really squeaky; I tried oiling it up but it didn't really help that much. I'd open it, and my mom would be like "Anthony what are you eating" and I'd have to make some dumb excuse like "ummm I'm prepping for lunch tomorrow" (this is done since I literally prep right after dinner... I mean I usually raid the pantry at around 11pm so yea).

The second thing is also from my childhood. My parents wouldn't let me use chef knives back then (I mean well duh), and they'd always say that I'd accidentally cut off my fingers. I'd wait for them to fall asleep, and then approach the knives. I'd remember that I'd accidentally cut off my fingers though, and pull back. I'd end up wandering around, just like Stephen, and literally say out loud "Oo what's this I've never seen this before" and then I'd pick it up and chop whatever was around (usually onions I think). I wasn't smitten, so this became a routine... eventually my parents were like "yea you can use it" and I'd just start chopping and they'd be like "wait did you learn how to do that just now?" *incoming lame coverup*

Unlike Stephen though, I don't really need to confess all of that... I'm glad I picked up a santoku when I was 9 (though I'd argue chef knives with a bolster are better). That scene where Stephen is confessing all of that stuff to the priest... oo that was so cringing. Everything was fine at first -- "what do you need to confess?" "I missed church, didn't say all of my prayers, I lied, got mad, got jealous, ate too much, didn't listen to elders, etc." and the priest was like "mhm that's fine pretty standard stuff. Is that all?"

"I... committed sins of impurity, father." (pg. 156)

ooo ouch... I felt that one... Joyce did a great job to make his readers feel the same way as his characters felt. I literally had knots in my stomach reading this part of the book. Aaaand then the priest did a facepalm. Ouch... Stephen's cry of appreciation for God (I guess you can call that? This is when the priest told Stephen that God will forgive him if he gave up on his sin, and how his heart felt pure again) was also very moving -- even though it's not really relatable for me.